Modest Control
The degree to which we feel we’re in control of a situation can influence the way we feel about that situation.
This is often true superficially, in the sense that it can be comforting to have our hands on the wheel compared to careening through unfamiliar terrain while in the passenger seat. But research has also shown that our sense of control can influence everything from our self-reported levels of happiness, to our degrees of depression, to our lifespans.
More control over our lives is positively correlated with a slew of beneficial physical and psychological outcomes.
Interestingly, this seems to be the case even when our perception of control is only perception: when our sense of control is all in our heads.
This has been on my mind quite a lot, recently, as the world is awash with unknowns, and such ambiguity can catalyze a sense of helplessness even in people who typically feel like they’re on firm footing.
I can’t change the fact that I have no idea what will happen next, how safe or unsafe my loved ones and I might be, and whether or not I’ll be economically secure in the future. There are too many variables at play, and though there are things I can do to improve my chances on a personal and local scale, nothing is certain, and the scope of the current batch of world-spanning problems put them beyond my practical dominion.
What I can control, though, is how I decide to respond to these uncertainties.
I can decide, for instance, that to the best of my ability, I will eat well, exercise, and maintain my psychological equilibrium.
I can decide—again, to the best of my ability within a context at least partially shaped by forces outside my control—to use this time to grow and develop productive habits. At the barest minimum, I can attempt to avoid stifling my curiosity, succumbing to intellectual passivity, and developing negative habits.
Everyone’s ceilings and floors will be different in this regard, and for some, simply maintaining a neutral sense of okay-ness will be a heroic, impressive outcome, given their circumstances.
For others, learning new skills, building new relationships, dreaming new dreams may be both prudent and attainable, with focus and effort.
In both of these cases, and for all other points on the possibility spectrum, we can achieve a sense of control, even within a vortex of unknowns, by determining what powers we possess and focusing on how we will choose to wield them.
Simple, small things are enough. Modest control, intentionally applied.
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I roadtripped to Peoria, Illinois this past week, and the 4.5-hour drive each way was mostly defined by some variation of this landscape: rural backroads tucked between regional freeways; very few people.
Projects
This week on Brain Lenses I published an essay about Ludonarrative Dissonance (a concept borrowed from the video game industry) and a podcast episode about the Overview Effect (the perspective gained from stepping outside one’s usual context).
Last week’s episode of Let’s Know Things was about Jio Platforms and their recent effort to build a super app-based internet ecosystem in India, with massive investment from some of the world’s largest tech and venture capital companies.
Community
If you’re interested in telling me a bit about what you’ve been up to, how things are going in your neck of the woods, how you’re thinking about things, coping with things, making the best of things—send me an email.
The folks who wrote these messages have given me permission to share them with you. Some have been very lightly edited for concision or clarity.
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Life got just a little bit harder this week, with my town going back into lockdown after a brief period of freedom as restrictions had eased. That freedom allowed me to visit with friends and family suburbs away, spend time at cafes and go on long-distance bike rides (a hobby I started in phase 1 back in May).
Then, cases began soaring (which means hundreds here), and suddenly we could only leave the house for groceries or essential jobs, and exercise has been confined to neighbouring streets only. From today, masks became compulsory. For a country that was doing so well (Australia), it was hard to know my city (Melbourne) had faltered. While the rest of the country gets on with their new normal, we’re stuck. I live alone, am an introverted loner (with an expressive personality, a conundrum for another time), and have to say I thrived during the first lockdown. But this is one has me struggling to remain optimistic. Will it ever be over? I think what scares me most is that nobody has the answer.
I am a very privileged, lucky person. I live in a wealthy country with free healthcare. I live comfortably, though I try to do so modestly. I have everything I need, yet I still worry about the future will bring. I can't imagine how it feels for those in less fortunate situations. From this, I’ve learnt two things; I could do so much more to help. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures - for instance, helping my neighbours is small but important. Where I don’t feel comfortable being physically present to provide community services, financially supporting those that are making that sacrifice. Standing up for human rights using my voice, my pen, my vote. It’s so much easier than I ever realised.
The second thing is that I’ve been waiting for that mysterious “right time” to do all things I want to accomplish. I think that’s a result of a social anxiety that I’ve suffered from for many years. This has been a wake up call. Now, with so much free time, is the right time to push myself. Bike riding has been the big one for me. I’d avoided it for 10 years since a bad, publicly humiliating fall kept me too ashamed to jump back on. But I persevered and now am riding weekly, and it’s a pure joy. I'm a little angry that I denied myself that enjoyment for so long, but I’ve learnt my lesson. Now I’m also teaching myself guitar, doing an online course and about to brush up on my French.
Kathleen, Melbourne, Australia
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Things have been okay here in Dharuhera (India). A sort of routine has set in and I guess that’s made everything seem a bit better. I am starting my MBA in two weeks. However, the first semester is going to be online, which is obviously going to have a big impact on the experience. Though it’s not like I can do anything about it except try to make the best out of it.
I quit social media about two weeks ago. I tried everything, like deactivating my accounts for a period, unfollowing/muting accounts, setting app timers, but nothing seemed to work. I personally did not want to be affected by the number of likes or story replies, but it happened anyway. So I decided to try a clean break. I deleted all my accounts, except well, Goodreads. I do feel better. I would’ve preferred to be mature enough to have a healthy relationship with social media, but since I failed at that, I guess this is the next best alternative.
I've been reading quite a bit during these months. I read pretty much whatever I can get my hands on but I have this itch to read a science fiction series. I read the first two books of the Expanse, but it somehow wasn’t for me.
Manik, Dharuhera, India
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I can relate very much to what you wrote about having to change a whole way of thinking and the embarrassment that comes with it.
My partner was wrongfully arrested and charged for a crime he didn’t commit in a case of mistaken identity. It wasn’t until we went through the horror of court appearances, lawyers fees, etc that I realised I had to change my whole perspective on our supposed justice system. Too often I sat on my couch judging people only realise after going through the court process that a lot of people aren’t guilty, they simply can’t afford the lawyer fees to prove their innocence.
We saw this time and again on our many court visits, where the police had hardly any evidence, but these poor people had no money for lawyers and couldn't afford to take time off work to fight it. It was easier and cheaper to plead guilty to a crime you didn’t commit than to fight for your innocence.
This was a huge mind blow to me, to realise that police can’t always be trusted and that people we judge as ‘bad’ and ‘criminals’ often aren’t. It took a lot of consideration about my thinking of society and the whole institution of state, justice and authority to assimilate this experience into my values and beliefs and changes those beliefs as needed.
Cara, Australia
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As someone who gets immense joy from being with others, being so isolated for most of the year has been tough. But I’ve found myself feeling more grateful than ever, and really doubling down on self care (and by that I mean therapy, a nourishing diet, exercise and the like...not just bubble baths, although I do love those too). I can’t recall a time in my life in which I have been so present.
So I guess that’s somewhat of a positive. Mostly, I’ve been exhausted.
I’m a professional photographer and editor for a local website. In the beginning, I beat myself up for not being able to operate at full capacity and create new things left and right. In the past month, I’ve surrendered to being in a period of rest and reflection. It seems necessary to slow everything down and get really quiet in order to figure out new sources of joy and inspiration and create more frequently.
On the bright side, my garden has been a major source of happiness and I’ve spent some time there taking photos just for fun. The constant state of change and uncertainty has been unsettling, but I think I’m finally finding my footing and personal path forward.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for what you create. Art keeps us all going especially in tough times. I hope you're staying well where you are.
Stephanie, Central Florida, USA
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Share your own thoughts/experiences: colin@exilelifestyle.com
Interesting & Useful
Some neat things:
British & Exotic Mineralogy(beautiful interactive illustrations of minerals—click around and learn)
Tokri (The Basket)(a simple story told through impressive, subtle stop-motion animation)
Delicate Gifs Capture the Serene Moments of Daily Life(exactly as advertised)
Kerala’s Skilled Hand-Weavers Struggle to Survive the Rising Tides of Modernity(a short, evocative documentary)
The Most Misread Poem in America(this may change the way you read Frost and “The Road Not Taken”)
This lovely double-rainbow was sent in by Bec in Brisbane, Australia.
If you’d like to share a photo from your life at the moment, just for fun or for potential inclusion in the newsletter, send me an email :)
Outro
I took a roadtrip to Peoria, Illinois, this past weekend, which was a nice change of pace: though it was strange being out in the world after so many months in lockdown.
It was a fairly isolated experience, as roadtrips can be regardless of when they’re undertaken. But the pandemic definitely influenced the experience, as I and everyone with whom I engaged were careful, masked, and assiduous with our disinfecting routines; that can’t help but create a little more distance than is typical, shaking up pleasantries and guiding one’s behaviors.
But unfamiliar landscapes, a new city to figure out and attempt to understand—that was a wonderful shock to the system.
It perceptually feels like it’s been a very long time since I’ve had that type of novel stimuli in my life; though I know it hasn’t been all that long, in actuality.
What’ve you been up to this past week? Has anything changed in your routines or outlook? Any shifts in norms in your city or country? Any change of perception on your part, or that of your friends and family?
Send me a message and tell me what’s going on in your world.
I respond to every email I get, and though all remain private by default, if you’re keen to share something for possible inclusion in the next newsletter, you can do that, too.
It’s a very tough time—extremely tough, for some—and if you’re not at your best, if you’re feeling down, if you feel a lack of control over your own destiny, or are just worried about small things that seem suddenly big in the midst of all of this: that’s okay, it’s not forever, it’s not indicative of weakness or an ingrained character flaw. You’re not alone.
You’re strong and capable, even when it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.
Stay as safe as your circumstances allow, and let’s treat each other with extra care, empathy, and humanity.
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